2012 is just hours away.  A new year.  A new chance.

I was thinking about this today and came to the realization that tomorrow doesn’t mean much in the world outside of what we’ve created with calenders, dates, hours and minutes.  The sun will rise and set as it always has for years and years.  The moon will show up and have cycles much like it has before tonight’s bright ball drops in New York.

We’ve made it ‘The New Year”.  There’s nothing really special about tomorrow aside from a artificial date we’ve slapped on a puppy calender.  I’m not suggesting we abandon the modern calender but it serves as a stark reminder that all these resolutions and revelry don’t serve much of a purpose outside of our own selfish needs.

And in honor of those selfish needs, I’m getting ready to live the year dangerously.

I’ve got things to work on on me.  Chief among them is my health and weight.  I’ve also got to start living life as it’s meant to be lived.  Dangerously.  And to that end I’ll be using Facebook for that adventure.  You’ll notice a new sidebar to your right.  Click through to Facebook and like that page so you can join me on my journey through the next 365 days.  Or click this link here.

Now, where did I put that chainsaw?  As Darkwing Duck always said…”Let’s get dangerous!”

My 4 1/2 mile daily walks have been going off without much of a hitch.  I’m feeling better and hoping that soon I can start to run it more as I get conditioned.

The picture you see here is one I posted to twitpic called, “The Lonely Piano”.  It is part of a nationwide effort to get all kinds of pianos all over the place in one city.  New York did it and now it’s Denver’s turn.  I played my hand on this beast for about forty minutes last night after the Rockies game (we won 2-0!) and found it more therapeutic than I could have ever imagined.

When I was in elementary school my parents decided I would learn piano.  I went to these lessons dutifully for two or three years until I decided I hated them and the piano wasn’t cool anymore.  By middle school I decided the French Horn was the hot stuff.  I think even before I could really figure it out, I was totally into nerdy things.  I hit high school with a barely functional talent at playing the most beautiful brass instrument and promptly quit to join theatre.  I became a light tech and for the next four years of my high school years I found my joy.  That’s another story for another time.  The point is that I found joy.  Old joy at that, but still joy.

In that moment at 10:45pm last night I found an old joy that had been a friend once before.  I found plinking those keys in a plinking fashion that actually earned me a few compliments that even if we hated it as a kid and walked away from it, that simple joy can be found again and reborn.  I smiled more than probably is legally allowed as my fingers traversed the keys and composed a simple song from my heart.  It’s a song I’ve played over the years whenever I get near those precious black and whites.  It has no title, no real scope or sequence…but it is song of my heart that bleeds through every so often.

As I’m shifting into my thirties (terrifying as that might be) I’m finding the simple joys that bring a smile to my face.  A rockies game where myself and my date hilariously go back and forth with the Brewers fans in front of us.  How we exchange high fives with them every so often in between the barbs and “Your Mom” jokes.  Laughing and enjoying life has never felt so good.

In the two years since my stroke I’ve learned more about myself than I think I ever would have without it.  It brought forth an opening of my heart and soul that over time has slowly brought me towards being a better man.

It’s interesting to note all this from a nine inning baseball game but sometimes it the smallest moments that can inspire greatness.  I can’t claim greatness in a large sense but I can claim greatness in my own little life.  To be able to do that once in awhile and allow some pride to leak through my pores…that truly is something that makes me happy.  That every so often I can stand on my own two feet and say, “You know what?  I’m doing pretty ok.”

It’s a simple little thing I learned from a Rockies game and a forty minute bout of playing on a crazy old painted piano.

Ain’t life grand?

I had my Ipod with me of course but I was alone and on my own. No one depending on whether I got this done or that done or if this call was made. It was just me, my shoes and the path ahead of me. Through the next hour I found myself able to release a little bit of the pressure cooked stress that had been building up this week. I allowed my mind to wander as I walked through the trees and sunshine. The music drifted through my ears and I was able to relax in that sixty minute span of time.

There wasn’t anything terribly groundbreaking that came of my 4 mile or so walk but it felt amazing to take a break and let my mind focus on the fun things in life. The trees, the sun and the smells of spring. Sounds corny and I’ve probably lost my man card here, but as a stroke survivor and guy who’s trying to find a way to enjoy life again…it was a welcome return to relaxation. Today I did the same walk/run and felt similarly when I returned. Tomorrow I’m going to try and bust it out before my meeting about VBS. I enjoy this hour spent alone without anyone to bother me.

I’ll admit to eating terrible over the last two days and not balancing the incoming food at all. I think my excuse at the time was that I was celebrating getting back to exercising. When you’re in a food eating rage, nothing really makes sense as your eyes roll back in your head. It was that bad.

That being said, I’m still alive, so I’ll count that on the good things list. I’m going back every day to work the body. Today I did thirty minutes in the pool and really felt the burn and work I was putting on my body. So that’s good.

Other than that I was lazy on my day off from work. I’m going to get to work on my eating habits, even if I don’t like it. I have to live. I want to get married, have kids and survive all of that to live to be 115 and still kicking butt.

As I’m yawning (it’s 10:00pm), I’m taking my cue and slinking into bed. More functional and thought out posts coming this week.

You’re probably wondering what progress I made in the days since I kissed this blog goodbye for my staycation. Well, the short answer is not a heckuva lot. I was lazy. I didn’t do much. I tried to relax. I wanted to not have to stress, worry or concern myself with anything outside of relaxing and taking it very easy. Well, mission accomplished! Not much else to really say other than I slid into lah-azy mode and have since been struggling and bungling the mission to get out of the rollie pollie rut.

To that end I returned to 24 hour fitness. Today makes three days of solid working out for at least half an hour each day. This will get more and more as I increase my stamina and endurance. I have a lot of work to do but I am very interested in making this work. I’m also paying for a premium workout facility so if I don’t use it, I’m spending money for nothing. And nobody enjoys ripping themselves off.

I also weighed myself today. I currently weight 229.6 pounds. That’s terrifying. Scary. I’m pretty sure my doctor(s) would be calling in SWAT teams to have me arrested for being a massive weapon of destruction so we’ll not share this notable note with the medical people in charge of my well being.

So day 102 ends with a whimper. I’ll be back doing this once a day either in written, video or audio. And it’ll be awesome. Or something.

Onward!

The part about this project is when I do make progress I feel a small spike of satisfaction that indeed I’m going somewhere.  Even if that’s backwards on certain things one day I’m at least getting one of these five objectives whamed bamed thank you officer.  Today was a struggle at the gym because there is clearly not enough treadmills for everyone that wants to play.  So I biked and burned 200 calories.  It felt great (natural highs FTW!) and I’m trying to eat healthy and smart tonight.

There’s been reoccurring theme in my life over the last week or so and it’s startling how often this word comes up.  Lonely.  It’s a powerful word that evokes a palette of images and words that flows as I remember moments in my life where that word and more defined me.  There’s all different kinds of loneliness and I’ll be talking more in detail in the podcast this Friday at 10pm Mountain.  The book that brought the final light to my heart is a mildly amusing but so far uninspiring sequel.  Dracula The Un-Dead is the official sequel to the (I haven’t read this) original and evocative Bram Stoker’s Dracula.  It’s written by a nephew or cousin and it starts off with a mysterious note.  Then it literally gives away the farm, the kitchen sink and the entire Rockette dance line explaining everything so there’s no real mystery as to who the darkness that lurks might be and dashes any hopes of actual mystery or suspense.

This is biased because I’ve read the masterpiece The Historian by Anna Kostova that I think is one of the best Dracula novels out there in my limited view of the Dracula Novel world.  It’s long but seriously rich (some would say over rich) in detail and atmosphere.  It’s a book that requires you to pay attention for all the details help drive the story and drive you to keep reading until the very end when you catch your breath, sanity and sleep.  It’s very good.  Compared to amateur hour with Stoker’s relative, it’s like black and white.

The one thing this book evokes well is the loneliness of each of these legendary characters.  Each has gone their own way since defeating the dark lord of vampires and it hits home how alone each of these people can be in their own way.  How they’re dealing with the loss of old friends and the simple fact that they withstood the darkest darkness the world could throw at them.  It’s a interesting facet to the story that could have been explored further.

Let’s do the thing where we look at how good or bad I’m doing.

This year I’ve got a few things on my plate that I didn’t have in previous incarnations of this tradition.  I had a stroke last April.  I’ve had a few other health concerns that have been directly tied to my unhealthy habits and current state of the once shining temple of a body I inhabit.  On top of this I’m back into the dating world for better or worse and I’m consciously realizing I want to look better than the rotund tumbler that I currently resemble.  The straw that broke the fat camel’s back is the impending nuptials in which my brother will be marrying his fiancé in 2011 on the 1^st of January.

I don’t know about you, but weddings are one of those things you really want to look your best. Due to the fact that there will be numerous people from my past and present there (including family), I’ve want to be a sharp dressed man.  And as you well know from ZZ Top, every girl is crazy for one.  Tubby with several spare tires doesn’t really a rock song about hot guys make. Just saying.

I’ve been looking for inspiration for the last two months and now I’ve found the tipping point for my troubles to become full blown issues.  Mind you, I’ve often said I don’t have issues, I have volumes.

Sarcastic wa-wa humor aside this allows me to resurrect the “Lose it or Die” meme for myself.  The idea behind it was that either I lose the weight and get healthy…or I’ll probably take my leave of this big ol’ green ball of life early due to my inability to save the very existence I treasure.

This also extends to my spiritual theatre.  I’m like the song, “Hot and Cold” by Katy Perry when it comes to God at times.  I start off great then I fade away and then I’m back.  It probably resembles the awkward dance I would do to said song.

Coming up on Thursday, I’ll reveal my 2010 resolutions and the plan of attack for how I’m going to keep this going beyond just the opening days of January.

Pam used to weigh a lot.  She was big.  Overweight.  You can see before and after photos here.

My friend Pam decided she’d had enough.  She wanted to be better.  She needed to seek a way to return to where she controlled her life again.  She had the surgery.  Some people view the surgery as a quick fix.  Not Pam.  She went to the classes.  She made sure this was the right decision.  She invested time and effort to make this happen.  It was hard work coming out of the surgery and adjusting to the new life she had created.

Pam wouldn’t take the easy way out.  She decided since she’d been given a second chance she was going to own it.  She began to train.  Run.  Hike.  Adventure Race.  Pam took control of her life once more and showed everyone that she could indeed kick (pardon my language) ass.  Pam lost over 400 pounds as a result of the surgery, hard exercise and work.

She could have slipped back into her old ways and given up that second chance.  She refused.

The first time I saw Pam after the surgery I was floored.  She looked amazing.  She looked vibrantly alive.  And for what was probably the first time she was truly happy with her life.  She had done this.  She had beaten it down with a big stick.  And for that I was proud.  Pam’s gone on to do some pretty cool things and I don’t think she’s finished.  She’s had small doors closed on her but she usually manages to bust a few more down with a running leap.

It is for that reason that I encourage you to vote for Pam in the AHA moment sweepstakes.  Because she realized exactly what it would take to live her dream again…and she did it.  It is her victory and those around her that have supported her.

I’m proud and honored to call Pam a friend and I’m proud to personally ask for your vote.

I only did 15 minutes today because I felt lazy. Yes, I admit it. I’m lazy at times. With my exercise I’m just terrible. Mind you the excuse my mind was saying as I pressed the red “Stop” button is that my body needs to build up endurance. So instead of forty five minutes, I’ll simply do twenty.

Somewhere my mind developed a…mind of its own and took over my body. I walked out after such a short workout and somehow the brain managed to overrule the heart and get me home and plopped into my comfy office chair.

In some countries (and one universe) The Comfy Chair is a torture device.

My comfy chair is not however and it is quietly holding my glutinous muscle in a resting position.

I’ve come to accept the fact that this week will probably be hell for my body and me as I get used to working out on a regular basis again. I’m aware there will probably be angry words bouncing around my cranium as the muscles, tendons and everything else burns with intensity of a thousand and one suns.

But it will be worth it. If I can keep to this (and I shall endear to do so!) I can start losing the weight and my “man boobs” will quietly fade away into the night rather than screaming at me every morning when I see them in the mirror.

They scream. I throw up a little in my mouth. Fun for the whole family.

So what happened in twelve days of not doing anything to prevent my death at an early age? I lost one pound somehow and have felt pretty fat over the last week or so. So, this will be me throwing my rebellious body and mind onto the machines and like Darth Vader torturing it until it gives me what I want.

And there will be no one to stop us this time!