And so he appeared from within the display case, a light house beaming as beacon of hope for a new phone and a new life on the train of tricked out technology. Palm Centro. Smooth and Black. I got a deal on him as I was reupping my contract. And from then on, we were best of friends. I carried him everywhere, depending on Google Maps, my mobile email and the connection to my parents I suddenly had with a powerful texting machine.

I dropped him on his head more than once. Yet Centro kept going, pushing onwards against the IPhones of the world. Like the little engine that could, The Palm never stopped chugging up that hill. And I never lost faith.

The first time he took a trip into water, it was old mildewy water that had failed to drain via the pump in the basement. A few keys went out, he tried to hotsync. Thankfully he came back from the first water baptism and continued to to fight on. Then winter came. He took a running leap into some street slush. I think he was tired of me by this point. Half the keys died. I was forced to use the touchscreen to message.

The phone was starting to show signs of sluggish behavior that would concern any mindful parent. I knew his time was coming. There was no question that Centro would either be struck by lightening (a la the story within Benjamin Button) or simply be taken up into cell heaven on a blingy chariot of fire and cell phone signals.

That moment came last Thursday as I was at the hospital. In a moment of weakness, Centro fell into a unmistakable puddle of after winter water. I dove after him and cradled him softly to my cheek as if to whisper, “It’s not time…don’t go towards the…”, at which point I mentally imagined a grandaddy cell phone from the eighties welcoming each heaven bound contraption.

It was his third encounter with the darkness known as liquid invasion. It was to be his last.

I looked odd cradling a Palm Centro and purring to it as if it was a child. Or a cat. Even a dog. People wondered if I had lost it. Those that know me will be saying right now, “That happened long ago.” I shook my head at their stares and wide eyes. They didn’t understand.

Moments passed as I watched as he began to have seizures of Hot Sync again and this time they didn’t stop. There was nothing to be done. The “battery charging” light had shorted and now stayed on all the time. It was the only sign of life from Centro. He was going fast.

I carried him to my car later that night in a funeral parade of one whistling eerily the dirge “Amazing Grace” as the parking garage provided great acoustics.

I called to have his casket carrier sent. His replacement…or “brother” as I’ve taken to calling him arrived a few days later and is already filling the space of Centro nicely. I will miss the old workhouse. It is unusual for a smart phone that endured such pain, abuse and such sarcrifice to last through the entire year.

To Centro…I will miss you. And if you can hear me beyond the signal grave…got any ideas for a good name for your brother?

Kidding aside, I’ve got some work to do. Which comes to my second Resolution. One of my goals for 2009 is to live. You know the whole, “I don’t wanna die. I wanna live!” statement that is present in many apocalyptic movies of past and present. There is of course a certain scene in “Serenity” where the promise of horizontal relations gives someone the gumption to fight on intent on winning so that they can indeed, “live”.

However you define “living”, apply it to me. You see, I’m a shut in. A literal, figurative and rhetorical shut in to the fullest extent of the word. I’ve spent more my off days watching DVD’s of “Stargate” and “House”. I’ve had the chance to get out and do things. I’ve either invented or thrown myself into things so I can claim being “busy” or unable to attend due to something else. Hermits worldwide look to me for the latest hermitage fashions. The shut ins have granted me a provisional membership in their burgeoning Illuminati-esque organization.

If this sounds bad, it is. I used to be the biggest party in the room. A bit crazed, but still a party. I was a outgoing guy. I relished going out into the world and enjoying the life God had given me. What has created this sloth like impression so indelibly impressed upon me? And how in the blue blazes do I get it off me?

I’ve long longed for the friendship. I have long sought to hold someone in my arms. Each time I seem to either get cold feet, hot feet or even tepid feet. Either way it never really works out like it should. It’s a dance of confusion, fear and previous experiences. I can confess without too much trouble to saying I’m alone. Aside from one or two friends who I’ve managed to push myself into involving myself with, I’ve got nothing.

And it’s all my fault. I can’t be counted on for much. I can’t really be expected to follow through. One of my best friends from my old church had a wedding with nearly everyone. I missed it. The reasons were all in my hands. Why didn’t I simply find a way to make it happen? I’m pretty sure I’ve burned that bridge pretty effectively. And it’s my fault.

If this sounds depressing, it is. It’s hard finding a way to process through all this. It is why I write. Sometimes getting this stuff from fingers to keyboard helps to lift the weight of worry from my shoulders. We all have things in our hearts and minds that weigh heavily on us every day. I’m unable to hold those things within very well.

I also express myself far better on paper.

2008 was a struggle against a Stroke that continues to haunt me each day. It was also a struggle against keeping myself healthy and focused. 2009 presents a great chance to get it right and make it right. All the self image problems that crop up every so often. All the times when I don’t feel confident speaking in groups. All the moments where I simply step aside and lurk in the shadows because it’s easy. Those moments when the cute girl smiles and I’ve got the chance to make my move…and don’t.

For me 2009 is a chance to live life again. I will have to manage to do all this while working a second shift schedule and in a high pressure/expectation work environment.

Part of this effort is to start once again doing my radio show daily. That will be detailed in Part 3 in a few days.

I’m curious to see if you’ve ever struggled or currently struggle with this stuff I’ve talked about above.  Feel free to comment your opinion/thoughts/experiences.

So I decided to start over. Fresh and with a open outlook at 2009. It’s the start of a new year, of a new start and more importantly new chances to not make a train wreck out of life. This resolutions will run several parts over the next few days. Feel free to comment as well.

My first resolution is to stop being known as “tubby” around the office. You know it’s bad when the employees call you by the other fat guy’s name. It’s funny the first few times and we all chuckle about it. Then after a few days it starts to grate on your nerves, snapping them like guitar strings. Eventually that last nerve remains and you realize that yes indeed Virginia, you’re a fat man.

I’ve tried a go at this before and it lasted about a week and a half. For those ten or so days I felt the best I have in a very long while. I was rested, functional and feeling good about myself. I stopped writing emo based blogs which I would then delete, cry over and eat fourth-meal aka Taco Bell. I’m not proud of those grease induced moments. Everyone has their weaknesses. Mine appears to be re-purposed vomit covered in heart clogging implements. To each his own.

My stroke back in April was likely caused by a few variables, one of which is my weight and unhealthy habits. In a effort to avoid having another Short Circuit moment in the brain (Johnny-5 is alliiive!) I’ll be fighting the good fight against the bad influences of the dark side of the food.

Plus, I’ll have to start moving my body out of the chair and putting one foot in front of the other. That’s the second part of this first resolution. Exercise. My body is a temple. Sadly I’ve turned it into the dingy neighborhood bar that you find on the far corner of town with people you’re sure are not human and possibly immigrated from Pluto or somewhere far away. It needs a good paint job, more bleach than Clorox keeps on hand and some good ole’ fashioned washing with a high pressure hose of V-8.

And so begins the countdown of the my ten New Years Resolutions for the year 2009. Some will be full of sense and logic. And others will probably be much like Rosanne singing the National Anthem was to most Americans. A very real and clear example of the expression, “WTF?!”.

Feel free to share your resolutions in comments or link to yours.

This Thanksgiving I’m spending time with my folks up in Montana. It’s been a great time and I could tell you all about it…but I’m not really up for it. Instead, I’d like to post some clips of the men and women of Armed Forces the world over having fun, smiling and just having a great time.

It is because of these men and women that we have what we have to be thankful for today…and tomorrow. As you sit down to feast and laugh and take time away from the ruckus of the world…take some time to be thankful for the amazing people who have decided to serve our country elsewhere in the world.

We are forever in their debt.

Happy Thanksgiving to one and all…here, there and wherever you may be.

moar funny pictures

moar funny pictures

moar funny pictures

This is my dipping of my feet in different kinds of writing as I explore my mind.

The creature of the north is stomping around this weekend giving us the warnings that yes indeed, he’s coming for us. Winter is when a certain character gleefully released from his stronghold in Siberia by Mother Nature without concern for his wanton and chill inducing ways.

Jack Frost has become a very angry guy in the last few years. Here in Denver we’ve had to suffer while he cackles into the whistling wind like the darker version of the joyful Santa Clause. We’re left to scrape his sneezes of our windshields in the early morning hours, cursing everything around us and making the roads full of grumps and chumps.

We have to sit and wait for the engines to warm up and bundle in sixteen layers to keep warm while waiting for the complaining cars to purr once more.

A dash of flakes here. Dumping a blizzard out of nowhere there. Careening temperature levels over that way and the fake out of sun in the morning just for good measure. Jack Frost has become really good at Winter and I don’t expect Mother Nature to try and stop him. She’s got enough going on with the new red headed stepchild in the family. After La Nina and El Nino came into being I suppose she’s used to these surprises. Global Warming is more tempestuous than Jack Frost because he meddles in all seasons. His time may be short on this earth as the poor souls under his reign begin to see a way to slow his affect.

Although if you ask Mother Nature she ruefully will shake her head and tell you he can’t be stopped no matter what those ants below do. The truth? Behind that all knowing smile Mother Nature isn’t sure either. There’s a big boss above her and he ain’t telling.

In the end, He’s got the whole world in his hands.

The days are starting to run together.  I had forgotten it was Wednesday and was unable to remember if tomorrow was Thursday or Friday.  Be still my scattered brains!

I do church work in kids ministry and tonight I was at one of the churches.  They have a Starbucks-clone in the building which I don’t exactly think is a great thing because I think coffee is the devil (aka beezelabub!) and to have that type of evvvviilll in the church seems a little backwards, but that’s just me.

I was ordering a cookie and a caramel apple cider and was having a good old time when the lady informed me my debit card had been declined.  This seemed odd considering I had checked my account and found it full of green only minutes previous.  She tried it again, but no luck.  The credit card machine was acting up so she gave me my food for free.

Which made me nervous ’cause I felt like I was stealing from The Lord.  I mean, I know how He rolls in the Old Testament.  Bunch of people getting sucked into the earth for not listening, people wandering in the desert in confusion cause they disobeyed and endless kings, important people and other sorts getting blown up, struck down and laid out.

Needless, I’m thankful God sent down His son and we had that whole 33 years of life, preaching and then death and then life and then flying up into heaven.  The New Testament God is so much cooler.  That and he’s less likely to send a bolt of lighting my way these days.

Which brought me to my thought.  Who declines credit cards at churches?  Is it like a special team of angels?  And what happens if you are declined?  Is there a trap door down to the bad place if you’ve caught them on a bad day?  Or does The Angel of Death do a drive by?  I mean I think we may need to investigate this a little more.  I’m wondering if I should go out, get a lamb and put the blood above the door in case the Roving Credit Checker Angel is passing over my city tonight.

Or are those issues handled by Hell?  I’ve always figured collectors, banks and other credit people worked for the devil and now I may have a case to prove my point.  If this is true my consolation prize is I’m good and paid up with the The Big Boss Up There.

Maybe the one angel who can’t seem to get anything right is given the credit part of the world.  Or maybe Gabriel retired and this is his new domain.  Wouldn’t that be something.  A bunch of retired angels wearing black sunglasses and dressed in pin stripe suits with those giant white wings sticking out the back showing at your door twirling their halos on their fingers.

I can feel the fire and smell the brimstone already.

Jesus take the wheel.  Or something.

A husband and wife had been married for many years.  The people around them never saw them fight, disagree or have a moment of conflict.  A friend one day asked the husband, “How have you done it all these years?”  The man gave a smile and began to tell the story.  “It was our honeymoon and we didn’t have much money.  So instead of a halfway decent hotel we decided to hike down the Grand Canyon.  We got two mules and packed them up and headed out.

About a quarter of the way down her mule stumbled.  My wife shook her head and said, ‘That’s one.’  We kept going and about fifteen minutes later the mule stumbled again, this time sending the pack to the ground.  Again my wife shook her head and as she got down and put the pack back on the mule she looked that animal in the eye and said, ‘That’s two.’  We were almost all the way down when the mule stumbled pretty bad and sent my bride to the ground.

She got up and shook her head again.  ‘That’s three.’  She took out a pistol and shot the animal between the eyes, killing it instantly.  I was in shock!  I got down off my mule.  ‘Honey, what in the world!?  Why did you do that?  We needed that mule!  We can’t get back up with that…what was that all about?”

She looked me straight in the eye and said, ‘That’s one.’

And more…

I was preaching at a church one day and was on the subject of sin.  I had been talking about being without sin.  I decided to ask the question, ‘Is there anyone without sin’ thinking that nobody would be able to stand up.  So I asked the question and to my surprise one man stood in the back.  Flabbergasted I asked the man, “How can you have not sinned your entire life?”  The man shook his head.  “I’m not standing up for me.  I’m representing my wife’s first husband!”

And lastly…

Me and my wife can fight.  We can argue.  The problem is we are both very strong willed.  I also like to get the last word in an argument.  We were driving through Kansas one day on a trip somewhere and had been fighting in the car for most of the morning.  I should also say I like to say things somtimes to make jokes…and also to get the last word in edgewise.  As we came over the hill I spotted some donkeys off to the side in a field.

I turned to my wife, relishing the last word.  “Look hon!  There’s your family!”  My celebration was short lived however as she turned to me, arms crossed and face deadpan. “Only by marriage.”