from Yahoo News:

Yep, a new store : A bulldog, mascot of British men’s fashion house Alfred Dunhill is displayed in front of newly opened flagship shop at Tokyo’s Ginza fashion district. (AFP/Yoshikazu Tsuno)

And the future of our country displays it’s junior high mind and is promptly…arrested. Yahoo News reports,

MISSOULA, Mont. – A college student accused of shoving a pumpkin pie into the face of a shopping-mall Santa Claus has been charged with misdemeanor assault.

Clint Westwood, 22, (someone’s parents were thinking on their feet 22 years ago! -ed) said he “lightly smooshed” the pie into the man’s face Wednesday and shouted, “What do you think of that, Santa?”

Westwood, a drama student at the University of Montana, was charged Friday. He said he videotaped the encounter and plans to include the clip in an upcoming film.

He said that after the pie ruckus, he expected to approach Santa for a signature on a film-release form, but police arrived first.

“It’s a good thing he didn’t wait around, because I think Santa would have laid him out,” said Sgt. Travis Welsh of the Missoula Police Department.

Westwood said he and companions had waited for a girl about 15 years old to finish sitting on Santa’s lap before the pie hit his face, “but then we just decided it would be funnier if she was still sitting there.”

In an effort to save me money and stares I’ve decided to bring it back along with the “TGIF!” which was the same thing except for Fridays to celebrate the start of the weekend.

A helping of LOLCATS to get you through to Monday is below.

moar funny pictures

from my inbox

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf, sleeping in the blue chair – always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral to this story:

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

The story below should help.

From Yahoo News: Oddly Enough.

STEVENS POINT, Wis. – A Stevens Point man thought he was lucky to recover his car after it was stolen — until it was stolen again later that day.

York Heiden’s pearl-colored 1990 Audi Quattro was stolen from a grocery store parking lot April 27 while his wife was running errands. The keys had been left in it.

Heiden, 36, who owns an automotive repair shop, quickly called some friends and the car was found nearby, without keys.

He said he had a friend disable the car’s ignition by removing a coil wire while he left it to pick up a spare key. When he returned, the car was gone. He had forgotten, he said, that the model Audi had a two-coil system and could be driven with just one.

“I was speechless,” Heiden said, recalling how he stood where the car had been found, keys dangling from his fingers, the emotional high of finding the car dashed. “All I could do was hold the key up in my hand and look at it.”

“Everyone says, ‘You shouldn’t have left it,’” Heiden said, laughing. “But I know, I know … So many what-ifs: I shouldn’t have done this, I should have taken the tire off.”

Police later found the car in the same neighborhood. It had a broken taillight and a broken piece of interior trim.

What did Heiden learn from his ordeal?

“Don’t leave your keys in the ignition,” he said. “And if you find it, do not leave it.”

A husband and wife had been married for many years.  The people around them never saw them fight, disagree or have a moment of conflict.  A friend one day asked the husband, “How have you done it all these years?”  The man gave a smile and began to tell the story.  “It was our honeymoon and we didn’t have much money.  So instead of a halfway decent hotel we decided to hike down the Grand Canyon.  We got two mules and packed them up and headed out.

About a quarter of the way down her mule stumbled.  My wife shook her head and said, ‘That’s one.’  We kept going and about fifteen minutes later the mule stumbled again, this time sending the pack to the ground.  Again my wife shook her head and as she got down and put the pack back on the mule she looked that animal in the eye and said, ‘That’s two.’  We were almost all the way down when the mule stumbled pretty bad and sent my bride to the ground.

She got up and shook her head again.  ‘That’s three.’  She took out a pistol and shot the animal between the eyes, killing it instantly.  I was in shock!  I got down off my mule.  ‘Honey, what in the world!?  Why did you do that?  We needed that mule!  We can’t get back up with that…what was that all about?”

She looked me straight in the eye and said, ‘That’s one.’

And more…

I was preaching at a church one day and was on the subject of sin.  I had been talking about being without sin.  I decided to ask the question, ‘Is there anyone without sin’ thinking that nobody would be able to stand up.  So I asked the question and to my surprise one man stood in the back.  Flabbergasted I asked the man, “How can you have not sinned your entire life?”  The man shook his head.  “I’m not standing up for me.  I’m representing my wife’s first husband!”

And lastly…

Me and my wife can fight.  We can argue.  The problem is we are both very strong willed.  I also like to get the last word in an argument.  We were driving through Kansas one day on a trip somewhere and had been fighting in the car for most of the morning.  I should also say I like to say things somtimes to make jokes…and also to get the last word in edgewise.  As we came over the hill I spotted some donkeys off to the side in a field.

I turned to my wife, relishing the last word.  “Look hon!  There’s your family!”  My celebration was short lived however as she turned to me, arms crossed and face deadpan. “Only by marriage.”

From DragonLady.  Edited for content.  See the hilarity below.

1. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.

2. When questioned by a friend’s girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

3. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.

4. A best man’s toast may not include any of the following phrases, “one time in Montreal”, “one time when we were all drunk”, or “and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw”.

5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out “BS!”. (exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)

6. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

8. Complaining about the brand of free beverages in your buddy’s refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.

9. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own – grill, car, firstborn child – within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered “lucky” are not applicable in this case.

10. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he’s trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.

11. Do not torpedo single friends.

12. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

13. Before dating a buddy’s ex you are required to ask his permission.

14. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.

15. If a mans zipper is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything!

16. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your best friends birthday is optional)

17. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriends cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

18. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies girlfriends with in 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal’s boyfriends- low level sports bonding is all the law requires.

19. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.

20. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

21. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

22. Only in a situation of mortal danger are you permitted to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.

23. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked. This includes men who aren’t wearing shirts. If your buddy is outnumbered outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: if during the past 24 hours your friends actions have caused you to think “what this guy needs is a good butt wuppin”, in which case you may refrain from getting involved and stand back and enjoy.

24. Friends don’t let friends wear speedos. Ever. Case closed.

25. Fives must be called at all times when getting out of your seat. If not, your seat is up for grabs. However, “house rules” may come into effect, in which case it is left up to the owner of the seat.

26. Shotgun can be called on anything where a shotgun applies., as long as you are in eyesight of the object, or it is at a reasonable time.

27. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes- as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a gun standing on the sideline.

28. If you ever compliment a guy’s six pack, you better be talking about his choice of beverage.

30. Phrases that may never be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
” Yeah, baby, push it!”
” Come on, give me one more, harder!”
” Another set and we can hit the showers”
” Nice butt! Are you a Sagittarius?”

31. Never hesitate to reach for the last beverage or pizza, but not both. That’s just mean.

32. Never talk to another man in the bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line for all other situations an “I recognize you” nod will do just fine.

34. You can not rat out a friend who show’s up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way up so he thinks its broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.

36. If your buddy is trying to hook up with a girl, you may sabotage him only in a manor that gives you no chances of getting any either.

39. If a buddy has lint, an eyelash, or any other foreign object on his hair or face, under no circumstances are you permitted to remove it. However an appropriate hand gesture may be made to make him aware of it.

40. An anniversary is recognized on a yearly basis, under no circumstances will anything be celebrated in an interval other than a year

41. When using a urinal in a public restroom, a buffer zone of at least one urinal will exist at all times. If the only empty urinal is directly next to an occupied on, then you are still required to wait. (Exception: at a sporting event where a line has formed to use it)

42. When coming to a room which you know is occupied by your friend and possibly another girl, you must knock and wait for an adequate response. If no response occurs, and the door is locked, a 10 minute period is required before knocking again.

44. A mans gotta scratch what a mans gotta scratch. This applies to picking as well. Let the man be.

45. No man shall ever watch any of the following programs on TV:
Figure skating
Men’s gymnastics
Any sport involving women

46. If you accidentally touch or brush against any part of another man below the waist, it is an understood accident, and NO apologies or any reference to the occurrence is necessary.

47. No man shall spend more than 2 minutes in front of a mirror. If more time is required, a three minute waiting period must be allowed before returning to the mirror.

48. Any dispute lasting any longer than 3 minutes will and must be settled by rock, paper, scissors. There is no argument too important for this determining method.

49. No man will ever willingly watch a movie in which the main theme is dancing, and if a man shall happen to view such a movie it is only acceptable if its with a girlfriend.

50. Only acceptable time when a man is allowed to cry:
when a heroic dog dies to save his master.
after being struck in the testicles with anything moving faster than 7 mph.
The day Anna Kornikova chooses a husband.

51. If a bet is made, and the challenge is completed, then the bettor may recoup his money by immediately completing a more daring challenge. If he refuses the challenge or chooses not to propose one, then and only then, must the money be paid.

53. If a hot girl shall happen to pass by while you are in an arms reach of your buddy, you must, and will, tap him on the shoulder to make him aware of the babe.

54. A man’s shoes may not intentionally match any other article of clothing on his body.

55. No comment shall ever be made to a man about how much he is sweating. In fact, there is no need bring notice to any body part which he may be sweating from.

56. No man shall ever allow anyone to speak ill of The Simpsons or any Rocky movie. (Exception: Rocky V)

57. You have not made any mistake if you find that there are extra pieces after reassembling or assembling an object. In fact, you have just found a way to make that object more efficient.

58. There is never an occasion in which any shirt without buttons may be tucked in. (Exception: when you are participating in a organized sporting event)

59. Unless you are under the age of 11 or wearing a bathing suit,, DON’T wear whitey tighty’s. It still escapes all reasoning as to why they even make them in adult sizes.

60. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy, MUST be caught.

61. No man shall ever keep track of, or count, the amount of beers he has had in a night.

62. Under no circumstances may two non-related men share a bed or anything which can be perceived as a mattress.

63. In an empty room, car, etc., a man can not ask another man if he is mad because he isn’t talking.

65. A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil.

66. The guy who wants something the most is responsible for getting it.

68. If you say ouch, you are a wuss!

71. There are only three times when its acceptable for a man to say “I love you” to any other man… 1. He’s drunk 2. He’s dying 3. He’s in trouble and it’s the only way out of it (which probably means he’s drunk anyway)

73. Under NO circumstances are two men allowed to ride together on one motorcycle/moped. (Exception – you better be on the way to the Hospital)

76. What happens in Montreal, stays in Montreal. Period. No questions asked.

77. It is acceptable to share a bed with another guy if and only if, it is a king-size bed and there are 2 blankets on the bed.
The minute you touch in the slightest way, you are officially lose your “Man Card”:

78. If your buddy gets arrested and is going away to prison it is your duty to buy him soap on a rope.

79. It is perfectly acceptable to use a trashcan for a bong.

King of the castle : A white-handed gibbon eats a banana while sitting on a giant fruit display at the Everland amusement and animal park in Yongin, south of Seoul, during the opening of an anthropoid theme park called “Friendly Monkey Valley.”(AFP/Jung Yeon-Je)

And of course, cats always help soothe the Monday ick.

Tastes good : A cat licks its nose during a cat exhibition in Sofia.(AFP/Boryana Katsarova)

For those wondering if lawsuits in prison…here’s the latest from my great state:

DENVER – Three prisoners serving potential life sentences in Colorado say their lives have been threatened — by mosquitoes.  The inmates at Walsenburg and Limon prisons sued, saying they were at risk of contacting

West Nile virus or other diseases after they were bitten repeatedly by mosquitoes and suffered “the emotional and mental distress of whether or not each mosquito’s bite would result in death or serious bodily injury.”

Stephen G. Glover, Alan Smith and Michael Freeman said the bites caused high fever, headache, neck stiffness and muscle weakness. “Each attack constituted bodily injury, which the (Department of Corrections) had the power to prevent, but consciously elected not to,” wrote the inmates, acting as their own attorneys.

But the Colorado Court of Appeals swat down their case and upheld a lower court’s decision to throw their case out. Prison officials said no confirmed cases of West Nile virus have ever been found in the prison population, and inmates are provided mosquito repellant.

This is how I felt this morning: Via Cuteoverload:

Ever see spiders on drugs? Ever seen it…like this?