In my first resolutions post I talked about my weight. It’s 18 days into the New Year and I can say that without a doubt I’m absolutely no closer to negating the negative aspect of my girth-ness and the affect it has on me. Mind you, it’s only been under twenty days. The incoming President is usually judged on the first 100 days. I’m free and clear for another 70!
Kidding aside, I’ve got some work to do. Which comes to my second Resolution. One of my goals for 2009 is to live. You know the whole, “I don’t wanna die. I wanna live!” statement that is present in many apocalyptic movies of past and present. There is of course a certain scene in “Serenity” where the promise of horizontal relations gives someone the gumption to fight on intent on winning so that they can indeed, “live”.
However you define “living”, apply it to me. You see, I’m a shut in. A literal, figurative and rhetorical shut in to the fullest extent of the word. I’ve spent more my off days watching DVD’s of “Stargate” and “House”. I’ve had the chance to get out and do things. I’ve either invented or thrown myself into things so I can claim being “busy” or unable to attend due to something else. Hermits worldwide look to me for the latest hermitage fashions. The shut ins have granted me a provisional membership in their burgeoning Illuminati-esque organization.
If this sounds bad, it is. I used to be the biggest party in the room. A bit crazed, but still a party. I was a outgoing guy. I relished going out into the world and enjoying the life God had given me. What has created this sloth like impression so indelibly impressed upon me? And how in the blue blazes do I get it off me?
I’ve long longed for the friendship. I have long sought to hold someone in my arms. Each time I seem to either get cold feet, hot feet or even tepid feet. Either way it never really works out like it should. It’s a dance of confusion, fear and previous experiences. I can confess without too much trouble to saying I’m alone. Aside from one or two friends who I’ve managed to push myself into involving myself with, I’ve got nothing.
And it’s all my fault. I can’t be counted on for much. I can’t really be expected to follow through. One of my best friends from my old church had a wedding with nearly everyone. I missed it. The reasons were all in my hands. Why didn’t I simply find a way to make it happen? I’m pretty sure I’ve burned that bridge pretty effectively. And it’s my fault.
If this sounds depressing, it is. It’s hard finding a way to process through all this. It is why I write. Sometimes getting this stuff from fingers to keyboard helps to lift the weight of worry from my shoulders. We all have things in our hearts and minds that weigh heavily on us every day. I’m unable to hold those things within very well.
I also express myself far better on paper.
2008 was a struggle against a Stroke that continues to haunt me each day. It was also a struggle against keeping myself healthy and focused. 2009 presents a great chance to get it right and make it right. All the self image problems that crop up every so often. All the times when I don’t feel confident speaking in groups. All the moments where I simply step aside and lurk in the shadows because it’s easy. Those moments when the cute girl smiles and I’ve got the chance to make my move…and don’t.
For me 2009 is a chance to live life again. I will have to manage to do all this while working a second shift schedule and in a high pressure/expectation work environment.
Part of this effort is to start once again doing my radio show daily. That will be detailed in Part 3 in a few days.
I’m curious to see if you’ve ever struggled or currently struggle with this stuff I’ve talked about above. Feel free to comment your opinion/thoughts/experiences.
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