85 days stroke free…and tired.

I am not going to lie to you.  I am a very tired.  I’m tired of the weakness coming back and going away in my left arm.  The whole fading in and out numb feeling in my left fingers has reached a boiling point this weekend to where I become disgruntled every time it starts happening.  And it’s right cranking me off.  My left leg’s habit of making act the part of “Lurch” has reached the last possible nerve I had stored in the backup reserve.

In short, I have had enough of this stroke.  I liken it to the near end scene of “Star Trek III: Search for Spock” as Captain Kirk is kicking at his adversary and screams, “I….HAVE…HAD…..ENOUGH….OF YOU!” and promptly kicks him into the hot boiling lava where he is sure to flash into nothingness.

This is where I am today.  I am ready to kick this stroke like a bad habit.  I want to be able to walk normally.  I want to be able to have my left hand hold onto things all the time and not this “well, if your brain works…maybe.”  I despise the looks I get as I walk like a not at all normal person and the frustrating moments when my brain and speech goes sideways for just a second.  The distaste of depression that comes with a stroke leaves a bad aftertaste in my mouth some days.  I do a lot of resting and relaxing.  Slowing down and becoming someone I didn’t think I would ever turn into, save for some medical disaster.  Which is what has happened.

My daily twice a day prescription drug habit will continue for life and I’m slowly adjusting to that.  Keeping my mind focused on taking care of me myself and I is the primary concern right now.  Making sure I eat enough, get enough rest and keep moving on my feet are just a few of the things I have to do.

That doesn’t even compare to the task of figuring out if the after affects of the stroke are just that…or something more insidious.  I have had more than occasion over the last week to seriously contemplate if I was having another stroke only to decide after much deliberation and staring at my limbs that I just might live to see another day.

You know what scares me more than anything else?  This can happen again.  They have no idea what caused this sucker…and they’ve done every test they could imagine and even a few more.  Do you know strokes can kill you?  Destroy you.  Render you paralyzed on one side of your body for life and bring endless pain, recovery and insanity to your once placid everyday life.

In all this I have to keep myself focused on what I know and can control.  Keep my faith strong in the Big Guy Above and making sure I have people around who know my condition and what to do if something happens.  Engaging friends to keep me smiling and finding ways to enjoy life once more.

Recovery is a long road and it’s only 85 days into the lifelong process.  I shan’t give up though.  I don’t like losing and I hate quitters.

Thanks for comments from those that have reached out.  And to those just finding out I had a stroke…welcome to the fun club I live in!   Feel free to hit me with questions or whateva’.  Video blog also forthcoming this week.  Thanks again.