This copying and pasting is going to give me carpel tunnel or something. I’ll think of a unique affliction. Until then, enjoy my patterned posting protests against Valentines Day. It’s actually a good one. Besides, you know you wanna read it. Right? Riiiiight.
Originally Written on February 9th, 2003
I hope you are all madly in love with me! I hope you can’t wait to propose to me! And I hope you know what kinda man you are getting’. One that likes long walks on the beach; reading books in the moonlight and watching the sun rise and fall by the beaches of Bali.
How I wish the above were true. But there is this thing called reality and with reality comes this day we all know so well. That would be February 14th, 2003. Valentines Day. The day of love. The day of couples. The day of Public Displays of Affection. The day to be happy and kiss your other half.
The day that I have eternally hated for all time. Now, I’m not going to rant about my relationships and that fact I’ve been single for two years this June and that my relationships are 0 and 2 on the failure count. Because I’ve done that already. Just now. So, instead, I will write about something more important.
How much Valentines Day needs some serious updating. Now, you may scream bloody murder the mention of such an idea and you may be plotting this moment to join me in my bunker near the Saskatchewan Border in Canada. But hold fast, dear friends and plotters of my demise. This idea has thought and has intent and depth that has never been seen before in all time.
Valentines Day needs to be sincere. Now, most of us “guys” out there do love our other half a good part of the year. Some of us manage to do it all year. And others of us manage to never have someone to express this emotion to, but we won’t talk about them. Mostly because I’ll then lose track of this essay.
Valentines day for many of us offers a chance to cash in the gushy, mushy and sushy feelings and make that lady just melt at our feet and forget all those things we’ve done wrong. Admit it, you’ve wronged her tons. You’ve made excuses and lied, but you haven’t cheated and if you have, off to the Middle Ages with you. If you’ve done her wrong or not treated her right and you use this day to gloss over all of it, I will personally see to it that ninjas (about 432) attack you in the night and give you the greatest wedgy ever to have been taken upon by a human being.
So now you look at me with that look of fear and pain in your nether regions and ask me how you should fix the wedgy. I shrug and you fall over in utter disbelief. Then I answer the other question you were going to ask, but you were busy trying to keep from crying, your girly man.
How should you celebrate this Valentines Day with that special someone? Say to them, “After all we’ve been through, after all the mistakes I’ve made, I’m still amazed and deeply thankful that you’ve stood by me all these times. And I love you for what you’ve taught me in life and in love. I love you and thank you for your daily love you give me each moment you are with me.”
Now, that’s brutally honest and it takes fault for all the stupid and dumb things you’ve done. And it extends to her the respect her deserves and needs. You see, women deserve your adoration, you love, you compassion and you compromise. And you deserve the same back from her. And if you don’t ascribe to this, I’ll send in the ninjas again and have you whitewashed in the snow here in Denver about 549.7 times and then fed to penguins. They’re funny little guys, until they poke you.
So this Valentines day, take the bigger step and make it more special. Invest in that person. And let them know you care, most than just 1 day out of that incredible 365. Because those 364 are the most amazing, most frustrating and most entertaining times. And those are the times you need that love to shine through.
Much love to you all. Remember the Ninjas.
