The Best of 11: Aaron is really weird. No, reaaaaly weird.

I’m sometimes amazed that I didn’t get sent to Antarctica or something by my parents. I was a weird kid. I was even weirded in 2003 which was only three years ago. I’m still pretty wacky, but this post made me wonder if my brain was stuck on crazy. I think it’s been unstuck for the most part since. Read on and decide for yourself…

originally posted May 2, 2003:

I’ve come to rant about money. And about how it should really actually grow on trees. Seriously. Think about it. All you’d have to do is plant some seeds (cost you about 1.50 tops), plant them and then suddenly, with the addition of two cups of water, the tree would spring up five feet six inches and within 5.3 seconds, assorted five, ten and twenty dollar bills would pop out and be ready to pick five minutes later. It would re-grow the picked money daily. All you’d have to do is water it with water and fertilizer and give it good sun and care.

Now, you’d have to protect this tree obviously and I would recommend large electric fences in the style of Jurassic Park and you may want to genetically create your own T-Rex’s that you chain near the tree that you train to not eat you and some of your friends. You would also want a cattle prod turret gone on the top of your house so you could defend the tree in case they took out your four ton defenses.

Then, if that failed, you would then create cyborgs that would spring out of the ground and give the attacker a massive wedgie that could only be fixed by Doctors in France, but since they don’t like us, you’d have to go to Tibet where the Dali Lama would cure you by slapping you upside the head and calling you the Tibetan equal of “idiot”.

Now, of course this would cost you a fortune, but if you follow my plan to become a millionaire, you should be ok. Simple. Ready? Invest right. Play the lotto. And be famous. See, how hard can it be? I myself have become a successful millionaire in my last few months, but nobody knows. I keep it all under my pillow where I talk to it and tell it to grow.

So, get your money trees while you can. Please send 34.94 in three installments to…