I hate Valentines Day. I don’t think I have ever liked this day. From elementary school when they would make us suffer with parties and candy and cards. We had a list handed to each of us that had all the names of the kids spelled out correctly so no matter how hard you tried, there was no way the school could be blamed for some kid’s broken heart because some jerk spelled their name wrong.
Even in the 80′s/90′s schools were smart.
Middle school wasn’t much better. Public Displays of Affection (aka, PDA) was insane on the Heart Day. It was nearly sickening for me, the nerdy geek who couldn’t seem to keep his legs moving in one direction at any one time. I survived, somehow. High School was acceptable. Except they didn’t require you to do a Valentine for everyone. You could have Val-a-grams sent to you sweety. Oh how wonderful it was to watch everyone get one.
Did I ever get one? Well, look at my utter annoyance with the holiday of heck and you probably have a good answer. Probably. Maybe. Hopefully. I don’t think in my 23 years (yep, it’s been a short life..hopefully it’ll be a long one…unless God has something I don’t know about planned…God, remember…I wanna live a long time..amen) I’ve ever had a Valentines Day where I had someone to share it with.
FIrst dating experience in High School lasted three days. And none of those three days were in February. Second dating experience in High School lasted a month. And that was the month of May. Love Day had already passed. I think Cupid has a dark side, like Darth Vadar. Maybe he goes home at night and transforms like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He turns into Sipid or something. Has a dark, covert ops uniform. Sneaks around lovelorn lovers (I totally used the word love twice, awsome…my word skills are great!) and finds ways to drive them apart into canyons of dispair and destruction.
I think it’s a conspiracy. Cupid, Aphrodite, Zeus, God, Mother Nature, Allah, Buddah, Mohammed (I said his name, I didn’t draw him!) Fate, Luck, Hercules and The Pope all meet at bi-monthly meetings to discuss how to make Valentines day even more insane that it was the last time. Satan’s not invited because as we all know, Satan does not love, he hates. Plus, God’s not a fan. The whole “killed my son on a cross with nine inch nails and stabbing him with spears you jerk” thing kinda might interfere. Although that might be a cool showdown. It’s like Armageddon but less Liv Tyler and Ben Affleck (and what is with that scene with the Animal Crackers? Has anyone actually done that with their girlfriend and not been laughed at? I’m not saying I’ve tried it, but honestly!) in the middle of a freakin’ Love holiday.
I can promise you there will be holy water and crucifixs’ a flying if that ever came to pass. I’m just talking about Ben Affleck who needs to get some cleansing. First, he’s with Garner…and Garner could do so much better. Those letters I send should tell her of that. Second…he’s Ben freakin’ Affleck. He just needs to be cleansed. Too many Jennifer’s in his life for one. And too many movies that made you just go, “What the hey Affleck?!”
God wouldn’t be using Holy Water in that fight. More like fire, brimestone, and armies of the Most High. You don’t mess with God. He’s got his Son on his right side with some serious Resurrection power-up’s you cannot defeat.
Were we talking about Valentines Day and how much I hate it? I thought so. It’s poopy. That’s the only way to describe it. Poopy. Lots of poop. More poop than you can imagine. Poopy poop. And…we’re done.
Here’s to another Valentines Day as a single male with many a crush but none of the possibility.
Paging Julia Stiles, paging Julia Stiles…
